Ritual, Routine & Real Life

Starting the month holding onto being present in the every day, plus some of my favourite things from January.

There’s two train stations pretty much equidistant from my parent’s house. Both have a small coffee stand outside, the kind that have wheels and the ability to be hooked up to a car, but both have stood stationary for as long as I can remember. I didn’t think they were connected until I got a coffee from the second one on a crisp autumn morning, running late for work and in need of something to make the commute less painful. Exactly like the one at the other station (which I’m more familiar with from my past travel to university) the barista is quiet with a kind smile, incredibly quick at pulling an espresso, and if you ask for it, whisks brown sugar into it’s velvety crema vigorously before adding the steamed milk (in my case, oat, if I hadn’t made that abundantly clear through my general vibe on here). He presents you the cup wrapped in a serviette, that tiny extra flourish that takes a second or so more for him but makes the experience feel special, a sacred ritual that feels full of care while the cold morning air stings your cheeks and the sound of the trains rumble past harshly. The price is low for the service, and both men at each stand seem to know their regulars - letting some of them pay later, or making their orders with even more haste knowing their rushed schedule. I wonder if that will one day include me.

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I am once again a little late into the start of the month for my first post, but my excuse this time is good…I started a new job! In the interest of affording my rent, I now have a grand total of three jobs (four including the one I do on an ad hoc basis) and it is every bit as overwhelming as you might think. And, what’s more - I still am not reliably breaking even on the rent and bills front. London is currently, beyond all doubt, some kind of sick joke.

Whilst it has taken a lot of my time and brain space so far this February, it has gifted me with a lot of moments spent in the real world: on trains with no signal, I have no choice but to read or listen to music, and the effect it is having on my mind is drastic. The sensation of panic no longer rises in my throat like a cough when I am without my phone - I can survive boredom. In fact, it feels like brain gym - just being alone with my thoughts, exercising them, watching them stretch and bounce back like rubbery elastic. Suddenly, I am less afraid…feelings feel better than avoidance right now, which I think is certainly some kind of progress, especially when those feelings are not always the most desirable ones.

I’ve been sitting on an unkept nest of restless thoughts, ruminating on where the next chapter of my life should take me, turning the eggs to keep them warm repetitively. somersaulting through possibilities, I always returning to the same spot, the same brood. Sometimes I worry they will never hatch, and I will lose myself like chickens do if you don’t take the unfertilised ones away quick enough. I feel quite like a hen, trapped in a barn fulfilling my daily duties of incubating, not knowing whether these ones, this time, are the real deal or not. The one thing that’s been keeping me from pecking my way to an early grave is trying to ground myself in tangible things that count, in the real IRL world. All of my worry-eggs centre around my future; what are my dreams? Am I straying away from them? In the real world however, away from the endless comparisons on social media, or need to post new work - I can see small successes in the every day, physical things I can see and touch that help me feel less like this transitional period in my life is all wasted time. Routine and ritual, both grounded in the physical act of doing and being, are my lifeboats.

I’ve started making it part of my morning routine, if I am in the area, to get a coffee from one of the stands I mentioned in this article’s opening. Appreciative of the comforting, bitter smell that overrides the traffic fumes, I want to bring them custom to keep them alive. Whilst sipping my purchase this morning, I thought about the fact that the routine of coffee is one of those things you just can’t digitalise. We’re finding ourselves living in an increasingly isolated world, with all of our normal communication and experiences reduced to apps and screen time, scrolling and watching. Our attention span has rotten to the core, and I know it’s not only me who has considered going entirely off-grid just to escape the constant engagement and inability to escape from being perceived in some form. Coffee is this one sanctuary that remains for me currently untouched by the digital world. I either must perform the ritual of making it myself, or take the pilgrimage to somewhere that will make it for me. Either way, it’s a routine I must do daily, without escape - and in that, I feel a sense of safety and comfort.

Another grounding ritual I have discovered in these cold mornings has been the comfort of books. I know, on Substack of all places, I am obviously preaching to the converted, however there’s just always more to be said on how much reading can transform even the worst of days into time well spent. It’s only halfway through February and I am already on my fourth book of the year - sinking between pages has been my hiding place when my anxieties have become too much to handle. My heart often feels heavy during periods I am not able to create work as often as I would like to, and yet reading gives me at least the sensation that I am researching…something is being done, ideas being formed, and that in itself is entirely better than nothing. Burying myself in something real and quantifiable feels like my feet are soaking into soft earth, soil between my toes.

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In the interest of building routines and rituals in the real world, and documenting them (for some reason recording it makes it feel more real to me) here are some of the things I consumed in January. I recommend a portable CD player, it’s a game changer when it comes to listening to albums in full. I also have rediscovered the joys of going to the cinema, getting dressed up for it too, having tea parties with friends and eating cake in the back rooms of pubs, as documented in my photo diary below. Enjoy!

January digital photo diary

Until next time,

Eerie x